Yesterday afternoon, a good thing and a not so good thing occurred.

First, we were ordered into a further lockdown since we have an increase in COVID cases due to the holidays. Numbers could have swelled from holiday shoppers taking advantage of our lessened restrictions to folks visiting loved ones and bringing it in from their hotspots, and also the continued importing of the virus from healthcare workers as they hop from area to area. As usual, most of this is speculative. It drives conversations and drives me nuts. It’s all we ever talk about and it dominates most of the media cycle day in and day out.

Don’t get me wrong – I believe in the seriousness of it. Highly transmissible due to the public’s poor hygiene and education on safety. Highly contagious and its effects are serious enough to cause a lot of problems from seemingly healthy folks. The frustrating things about the pandemic are the sensationalism and scare tactics used in reporting by the media, the poor co-ordination of a government that doesn’t take advice, and the contradictory messaging that allows people to question the method and use that as an argument to not practice safe hygiene during the flu season. Let’s face it, people are DISGUSTING. Coughing and sneezing without covering their mouths, not washing their hands after going to the bathroom, or touching shared items and things that are teeming with bacteria. We all do it – some of us are more mindful of it, others couldn’t be bothered. You can’t control it – crap is going to get out there. The other problem comes from that subset of the population who will not allow others to tell them what to do, and will continue to make up excuses and arguments to waste time and stall, so they don’t have to do things that they don’t like doing. It’s selfish and childish. Again, you can’t control how people think or how they react to things. All you can do is control your own efforts, and until you come across a situation where YOUR personal beliefs and safety are being violated can you really step in and make your voice heard. So I guess these people feel the same way in arguing their point.

I just give them a wide berth at the grocery store and be on my way.

I know a lot of people revel in the satisfaction of stating their case in a conflict. Getting it off their chest. Telling someone off. To me, that does nothing – it doesn’t educate people. It doesn’t show them the error of their ways. It doesn’t shame them. They made a poor choice based on their beliefs and level of understanding, and to expect that it’s your mission to change minds is a big burden to bear. My wife is definitely one of those people who feels the need to speak her mind – good for her. I’m a bit more subdued and objective… to a point. If you’re starting to compromise my safety or the safety of my loved ones, then I go to the other extreme. So… even I’m guilty of being uneducated and irrational and stupid also.

We’re all tired. We’re all fatigued. Let’s not turn on one another. Let’s not lay blame and speculate that the anti-masker is spreading COVID around like a dealer at a card game. We don’t know that, nor do we have proof of it. Are they increasing the risk of it happening? Probably. Does it make you feel better if you speak up and make a mention of it to them? Go for it. All I can worry about is myself, my immediate family and my loved ones. I realize that’s selfish and privileged in its own right, but I’m willing to bear the label because it helps me get through.

Okay – on to other things. The GOOD thing I mentioned.

I have been visiting with a counselor to “fix” myself. It’s been an ongoing process, trying to get to the root of issues from childhood, learning how to be a better person, and strategies to recognize when I’m not doing well. It’s been a long journey, and I’ve uncovered many truths and things about myself that have helped re-educate me. Currently, I feel great about myself. I feel optimistic for the future. I feel safe, loved, and motivated to do and make things again. Last night, I had my “last” counseling session for the foreseeable future. I could have ended my sessions in December, but opted to have one last follow-up in the event things went south during the holidays. That wasn’t the case. I had a few low moments but rebounded quickly and I’ve never felt more positive in such uncertain times. My counselor said that’s a testament to the work I’ve put in and how much I’ve progressed this year. To have the mental fortitude to remain optimistic throughout all this barrage of terrible news, loss and sadness, shows I am thriving and doing well.

Now… it’s a matter of losing this weight I’ve put on and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I do LOVE myself, but I don’t love the way I look and that ultimately affects the way I feel. I am confident enough to realize that I have to put in the work to get the result, and I am not getting down on myself when things don’t ultimately go to plan. I also realized that I don’t need to over burden myself with too much responsibility and that it is okay to put things off if the walls start closing in. I have noticed that I haven’t had to be “talked off the ledge” when I get too frantic about responsibility and that it is okay to “be late” or put things off until I’m in a position to be more productive. I’ve also realized that I still have years to accomplish things, so there’s no need to freak out about not having enough time.

All in all, I’m doing very well regardless of what is going on in the outside world.