I am starting to understand why and how I do the things I do and hope to improve. My entire adult life has been scattershot. I kept searching for answers and I truly feel like I’ve found the right one… from a textbook standpoint.

I have ADHD.

Sure, experts will always say, “Only a trained professional can make that judgment,” but I’m highly educated and fairly well-read, so a small self-diagnosis isn’t going to cause great harm. I’ve come to the realization after a few instances and perceptions that have come to a connection.

First, my counselor mentioned it in a session and attributed some of my behaviours to it.

Second, I have noticed a tremendous mood drop at certain points. Most notably, after sex and definitely after masturbation. After searching on the subject, I’ve read that it is called Post Coital Tristesse or PCT. It’s feelings of guilt and dislike of the actions in conjunction with the irritability.

Usually, PCT causes tremendous imbalances in dopamine for folks with ADHD. Folks with ADHD already have low dopamine, so they get hit harder. Makes sense, since I am always irritable and low and tired after orgasm. Huh… thats cool and not cool. Might explain the physiological aversion to orgasm and wanting to just sleep afterwards. If it is low dopamine that fucks me over, that would explain the mood swings and disinterest.

Third, reading into PCT led me to information about adult ADHD. I took a few general survey questions and paid close attention to them and the answers. All the markers are there. Trouble with focus, noise in the head, daydreaming, screen addictions, video games, that constant roller coaater of let downs, disorganization, overwhelm, etc. It was textbook “me.” I have to admit it. I have come to accept it.

Lastly, I looked into coffee and ADHD and worried if it was detrimental. I love a good coffee to start my day, because it helps me focus. I was pleasantly surprised to learn you SHOULD have some caffeine to help stabilize and produce more dopamine so I can focus and function. But there’s a tipping point. Too much and it makes things worse. I have to learn the correct amount that helps me manage and maintain.

This morning I noticed the PCT and tried hard not to succumb to it. First, thing Bella did something to annoy me and I snapped at her. I felt instant remorse. Right after, I started drinking my coffee and I felt way less negative and focused. I apologized, calmly explained why I did what I did. Then I started on my search. Sometimes it takes years to find the answers. I’m glad I found the information that can help me find a mode of self healing.